"i feel so bad."

originally created December 27, 2023 ✦ republished February 8, 2025

(Originally posted on Instagram, Mastodon. This retroactive post is copied from the Instagram post.)

I haven't told anyone this: the truth is...I'm not having a great holiday right now.

It's been so long since I've done anything that I want. Halfway through winter break, and the only thing I've done is sleep off a fever that should've been gone a week ago. And play Pikmin 3 and 4, ig....

I've also not been liking my family lately. I've been hating things. I've been avoiding things. I've been aching. I've been hurting. I've been sleeping and sitting all day. I've been tired. I've been feeling too hot, and I just want it to END WHEN I SAY IT SHOULD END, DAAHHH!!!!!

I...I don't even know where this is going. All I can think of is "wow, this must be really sad to be reading just a few days after Christmas." I wish I could make this a place where I can say the things I'd never dare to say in person, and spew all the bullshit, and put all my ridiculousness on display and not be pointed at and have stupid people think that they can "solve" everything about me, because it's so disgusting and horrible and evil when people do that!!!!! Let me mope, you bastards!!!!!

I have too many feelings, and some of them glare at me menacingly, and some of them hold my head under the water and watch as I struggle to breathe, and I just want to hate everything, and throw people out first-floor windows and run far far away from them because they're full of shit and would rather tell me I'm stupid instead of knowing that they are. I have too many feelings, and there is nobody to hear them, except for the ones who would glare at me menacingly and hold my head under the water and watch as I struggle to breathe if I do, because they're full of their own shit.

How do I say anything anymore...there I go spewing my bullshit again, ahaha. I promise I'm cheerful in-person, and that my life isn't the sum of every negative, depressing, angsty post you've ever read from me. Though, at the moment, I still have to convince myself of that.... I figured I'd start by drawing something. I think it's been 2 months??

...It's already past 11. Of course it is. Time is abandoning me this winter break. ...No, that's too depressing....