"juxtaposed feelings I don't fully understand"

originally created December 29, 2022 ✦ republished February 9, 2025

(Originally posted on Instagram. This retroactive post is adapted from the Instagram post.)

It's almost New Year's, and this Winter Break has been quite something! A winter storm chucking below-freezing, dry air our way, on top of getting sick for a week. Back-to-back going out on two days, to see Christmas lights and an overhyped movie.

Throughout, it's felt like my attention is gradually waking up, my thoughts are feeling less scattered and thinking through things feels clearer.

At the same time, I'm noticing unusual feelings I haven't yet figured out. Like, this feeling of excitement and energy like wanting to spontaneously sing something, yet at the same time feeling this sluggishness like I haven't slept enough. This feeling like I'm moving around awkwardly, like things feel different even though they're the same. And this feeling like there's something I should be doing, but I'm running around and doing everything else besides, among other things.

I started out with basic coloring, then realizing that it would be better if the coloring looked more "dynamic". So, I made streaks of color in the upper head, and along the face to represent the fresh air I just breathed this afternoon. (wut. 😵‍💫)

I'll just tell myself that I will figure this out eventually, if I just keep at trying to be healthy: making sure I'm paying attention to my food, exercising and being with my Mom and Dad more, watching my screen time hours, etc.

Bu'hey, I've basically gotten the iMac halfway kitted-up!

Soyeah. That's about it, as far as I can remember/think of rn. Expect more drawings, as I figure my emotions and routine out.