"I feel this way... I don't understand"

originally created March 7, 2023 ✦ republished February 8, 2025

(Originally posted on Instagram. This retroactive post is adapted from the Instagram post.)

This is another one of those chaotic feelings arts. Recently, my sleep schedule's slipped up from oversleeping while sick, and so I've been holding a lot of tension. It used to go to my stomach last year, but this year it's been going to my head, and when that happens, it causes this strange emotional feeling that comes with thinking about random stupid things and drawing out the deepest, least-remembered memories of all the things I don't like to remember about my childhood, like all the times I was foolish and made stuff up in my head, or times when I was strongly swayed by my emotions. It's a feeling that makes me wonder if I'm letting my emotions go out of control, if I'm being selfish or regressing or going about things the wrong way somehow. To say the least, it's unpleasant and confusing.

The understanding I had come to about why I was experiencing very strong anxiety was that I was trying to strictly repress my thoughts and emotions as a means of "self-control". But I feel conflicted as to whether that's the case, or it's actually that I was doing good self-control before, but now I'm unwisely allowing my mind to run with a rushing stream of thoughts and strong emotions that don't seem to make sense in my current situation and only serve to leave me confused and worn-out still.

For now, I've decided that it's the latter. I'll try to practice putting a stop to trains of thought that aren't going to help me—it would be more tolerable and less intrusive on my mental resources to have what feels like a stomachache, as opposed to a rushing mind where it feels like I'm just leaving the floodgates open to "accept" anything and everything that comes by. That alternative just doesn't make any sense to me.

Or maybe I'm just tired, or need exercise, or need to see people more, or something, and I'll figure it out at some point. Hindsight is 20/20, after all. But now it feels like I've just been rambling, and I need to put a close to it as soon as possible, so I'll stop here.

Expect more Pokémon Colosseum fanart, ig? But who am I advertising to by saying this....😵‍💫