"a dry wind"

originally created October 2, 2022 ✦ republished February 9, 2025

(Originally posted on Instagram. This retroactive post is adapted from the Instagram post.)

This feels so weird.

I don't know whether it's the winter cold or the overcast weather getting to me, but I've just been feeling extra tired and sluggish all throughout today. Those dark thoughts were playing in the back of my head a few times throughout the day, but either my mind was just lost in thought or it was much easier to just dismiss them.

I wonder if I'm being too rigid about things. I know that these sensations of tiredness and confusion are not me, they're on the outside and they'll leave just as they came, leaving me intact. But, I wonder if I've been too aversive of this state. Because, I would always keep thinking about wanting to go back to the mentalities and mood I had before the summer, where I felt I was stronger and more resilient, less sensitive.

Whatever the case is, I can't worry about "oh this isn't familiar" or "oh I wish this wasn't happening". Whatever's happening is happening; I just have to stay strong and find the right course of action, and seek help when I need to. If I aim towards the right direction, of following the Bhagvad-Gita and living a healthy, balanced life, then surely these odd thoughts will fall to the side and I'll be back to normal soon. However, I can't act on desperation, or entertain the idea of "I want to feel a certain way" or "I want to feel better now". Good thing I'm seeing a psychiatrist on Wednesday, though I have no intent of taking any pills.

Anyways, I'm feeling SUPER sleep and exhausted. Whatever's behind this, finding that out should not be my immediate priority. "When you're tired, sleep"—so I'll take a nap, and hopefully I'll feel refreshed afterwards. If not, or if those weird thoughts come back, I'll just ignore them and play some game or work on the animation project.

It's okay to have depression sometimes, it's okay to feel bored sometimes, it's okay to feel unsure sometimes, it's okay to have thoughts that you think are strange sometimes, it's okay to feel fatigued sometimes, it's okay to not get back to doing everything all at once. What's not okay is responding to these things in a wrong or delusional way. That's what I want to avoid. Just be healthy.