"sometimes i scribble like this"

originally created July 29, 2023 ✦ republished February 8, 2025

(Originally posted on Instagram, Mastodon. This retroactive post is copied from the Instagram post.)

My feelings have been unclear lately. There are things that I do that I want to do, but after a while, I feel this empty feeling of, "why did I want to do this?" My thoughts have also been going in their own direction instead of MY direction, so when I try to draw, I just end up scribbling like this instead; just drawing swirls and random lines, trying to make a 3D-looking pattern out of them, smoothing out the crooked lines with more crooked lines, drawing lines over lines, and just unconsciously doing whatever I feel like on the paper.

It's frustrating when I can't find a concrete explanation for my feelings. Do I just have to keep waiting for them to sort themselves out? Or does this pattern mean something else that I'm missing? I biked outside this evening, and when I got back inside, I felt that irritating feeling like the answer to why I'm feeling so stagnant was just beyond my grasp. Could it be that this feeling of vagueness has a root cause that isn't as specific as "trip recovery", but as broad as "life imbalance"? Does anything I'm writing here even make sense?

Maybe I'm writing "feeling feeling feeling" too much, or I'm writing too much about myself, or those who read my long posts have already heard this song-and-dance before...... But what does this statement have anything to do with anything else I've said?!?!? That sentence just came out of nowhere, and now I don't remember the train of thought that I was originally on, and THAT'S irritating as well!!!!!

The human mind is the most confounding thing in the world, I swear. Maybe mine is doing whatever it wants; or maybe it does indeed work in a sensible way, but I just can't tell. Who am I to decide which is right and which is wrong, though. After all, things aren't a certain way because someone said so, they are a certain way because they are a certain way.

Blbhlbhlhglfjgslkdgfjkajwoifjql I need to go to bed.................................