Dwelling on being stuck in a rut

originally created June 21, 2023 ✦ republished February 8, 2025

(Originally posted on Instagram. This retroactive post is copied from the Instagram post.)

It's been a while since I've done a lot of things. I think now this demotivating funk I've been in is easing up, but why didn't it go away earlier?? Around a year and a week ago, I was drawing landscapes and attempting an actually good-looking animation; and I was posting things to Insta multiple times a week, because I was DRAWING multiple times a week. I was drawing even DURING the school year last year, as well!!! Is this what's changed??! It feels as if weeks of my life have disappeared—there were times when I was doing this stuff, but it felt forced. I don't even remember how it felt back then, when it seemed to be so much easier to be persistent, to rebound, to care about ideas I came up with and not worry about "is it worth making this?"

Perhaps it's just that every year is different, every summer is different. I think lately, I've been thinking that I'm being observant of what's going on in my mind and body, when really I'm just trying to come to quick conclusions and judgments, and in the process I've been drowning out the actual signals and their actual meaning. Perhaps this had to happen for me to get back on track, because of a number of conditions that I hadn't considered. Or could this sluggish, depressive state of mind have been lifted faster? Although, that very question is probably what led to things being more confusing this time around. I think I've said this before....

There are a few things that I definitely know I've been missing: exercise, and travel. Lately, my body's been extra gassy, to the point that my back is tingling. I also haven't been moving around a lot, and I remember that that's something that usually makes me feel a lot healthier and more awake. There's an urge to try to predict how I should feel after doing all those things regularly, but it feels like trying to predict things is the last thing I need right now. I remember that, in previous times, instead of complaining "I wish I had gotten better sooner," I would have said "well, I'll just appreciate my progress up to now, and do my best at any time."