"questions......what are the answers? are these questions even valid?"

originally created December 19, 2022 ✦ republished February 9, 2025

(Originally posted on Instagram. This retroactive post is adapted from the Instagram post.)

(For some reason Safari wasn't letting me use the Enter key, it's glitching out for some reason. Oh well, I'mma just post this from Firefox.)

I'll likely be saying "it's been an eternity since I've drawn anything" for a while until I start consistently drawing. When was the last time I even posted anything? I don't remember.

There are a lot of things that I don't really remember, like lessons learned and how I'm supposed to be behaving, how I'm supposed to be thinking. Maybe paying so much attention to those intrusive thoughts from months ago has done something to my thought process; or maybe it's that I've forgotten what inner strength I have and how to use it that I've been writing "note" after "note" after "note" of picking out every puny little thing that just so happens to happen in my mind, that I've begun to seemingly doubt even my own judgment so that maybe if I ask a therapist, she can do that thinking for me, if I remember to bring it up. Or why some of the things I do just feel awkward, like for some reason this feels like I'm writing some freeform poem or something and I have no clue why.

Maybe I've become addicted, in some way, to writing those notes? Because after getting an earful from Dad, I really wondered when it had become that I was "journaling" just to show it to a therapist instead of thinking for myself and actually learning and growing the way I remember was the case last year. Does it really make sense to write "I have a headache" every hour, just to make sure you've noted it down??

There are still things I'm not sure about, things that seem like remnants of the bad habit of constantly trying to notice my thoughts, questions about what the healthiest perspective is and what I should be doing and why I'm not doing what I think I should be doing. Before, I'd just tell myself "I'll figure it out" because "that's how it always works". This time, I'll say that because I'll actually put in the effort to learn what's right and to be strong, to understand my own confusion and clear it up myself.

Anywho, that's my spiel! I gotta sleep for school or smthn