"i'm not feeling so good..."

originally created August 23, 2022 ✦ republished February 9, 2025

(Originally posted on Instagram. This retroactive post is copied from the Instagram post.)

[Anachronous addendum: Many old art files got corrupted or lost when my computer's hard disk ran out of space one day. The image above had to be downloaded from Instagram, because the original file that was on my computer a long time ago appears to have been permanently lost.]

I never mentioned this in a post, but at some point I decided that I didn't want to post saddy-sad drawings or feelings-related drawings because I felt they were becoming repetitive and I didn't want to potentially add negativity so someone's feed, or reveal too much about my personal life. (In hindsight, those latter two points make less sense because nobody has ever told me that they think these posts are negative or they want to see anything different, and why should I be operating just on random assumptions I made without proof, or operating based on what others want instead of how I feel?)

I'm wondering if that's the reason my mind has been struggling so much lately. I've been drawing and doing stuff, but I expected it to just automatically "make me feel better" or something like that. Instead, it just feels like random and desperate efforts made in vain. Perhaps the reason that those drawings aren't fulfilling, though I do think they're good, is because I made them in this robotic mindset. When I make things, I believe they ought to be the best they can be, and the best things in life are made from a strong desire for quality and come straight from the heart. That latter point is what I've been missing.

As the title of this drawing says, I'm not feeling so good. Just an hour or so ago, I ran straight out of the bathroom in a towel, dripping wet all over the hardwood floor, because my thoughts felt like they were overwhelming me. I'd like to think that as human beings, there's nothing we can't tolerate, nothing we can't overcome, and that we must always persist through negativity and confusion and do what's right because that is our job. But to be honest, it seems like I've forgotten what exactly the secret is to that persistence. That doesn't mean I won't try, and I won't stop trying to figure things out until I've mastered myself once again.

Maybe I'll just make more art? It could help. I know the last thing I need is to be dwelling in confusion.

In other news, the clouds were really pretty yesterday! ☁️☁️☁️☁️☁️