"i can't think of what to do"

originally created January 2, 2023 ✦ republished February 9, 2025

(Originally posted on Instagram. This retroactive post is adapted from the Instagram post.)

Welp, it's the last day of Winter Break for me, and I've been experiencing some strange feelings throughout.

My mind has still been feeling hazy, yet there's this feeling like that's not important or it should just be ignored. Have I been telling myself to ignore things like this too much? It's been cloudy a lot as well. Since it's been very, VERY warm, we've been keeping the doors open, and I've been biking outside, which is somewhat refreshing, although at the same time there's a feeling of refreshment and a feeling like the smell of the fresh air outside or the unusual heat in the winter is causing emotions I don't expect. Sometimes I think I need rest, sometimes I feel like maybe I've just been cooped up inside and need to go outside and run around; and when trying to think of what to do, it feels like there's a roadblock in my mind, or there's something I've forgotten that I'm missing. I imagine I've said the word "feeling" a lot of times in this one paragraph, and that's also something I'm wondering about.

I figured I'd just draw something, so that instead of feeling I've missed out on an opportunity to pursue this or feeling like I'm being too rigid with thinking about "okay what should I draw", I'd just let my hands go where they please and let my hands choose the colors instead of my eyes. I think it works out alright. I wonder how it would've turned out if I had tried to think through "okay what sensations are where, what pose do I want." Maybe it would've turned out bland, maybe it would've turned out fine? Who knows. There's a conflict between wanting to speculate, to philosophize, and then feeling like I ought to judge whether going on this train is important or useful, or if I'm taking it too seriously.

It's just kind of a confused feeling, and I'm basically just writing out a stream of thought. Although, I'm grateful that I'm able to think through all these things now, as opposed to feeling like I have to restrict myself or think a certain way. Maybe it's just cabin fever, maybe it's something else, maybe there's something I'm not doing, but I'll figure it out, because that's what you do.