"it's only happening IN MY HEAD"

originally created October 8, 2022 ✦ republished February 9, 2025

(Originally posted on Instagram. This retroactive post is adapted from the Instagram post.)

I don't know what's going on, but it feels like there's this frustration and irritation in my mind, that's coming out in body tensions, my mind clinging to each little thought that pops up and then going on a tangent that creates fear. Perhaps I'm just noticing these things too much, and that's why it feels really difficult to deal with. It's so strange; it's terrifying, as if a part of my mind needs to be unblocked that can read the Gita and understand it thoroughly, that can simply focus on work without having scary visualizations in the back of my head. Why do they come up? When will they go away? Is it actually asking all these questions that's provoking the anxiety/stress? I don't know, it feels like my mind is hazy, or like this strange feeling of fear and tension is extending across my whole body. I just know I don't want anything bad to happen, and I want to do things the right way. Is it that my mind has a lot of stress in it, or because it's clinging to the old mentality that I picked up from drivers' ed, or what?

The more I think about it, the more it feels silly. Like, just focus on work and don't even let your mind think about "oh what if this happens or that happens" or "oh will this or that solution work". Dwelling on this anxiety will only cause more problems! Dwelling on whether or not this is dwelling counts too, and it feels kind of like what started happening since drivers' ed, and thinking back to drivers' ed isn't going to help either!

I am not my thoughts, sensations and thoughts are on the outside and I can change them to become better. That's the basic understanding I have. I've got a long weekend and a family event to go to, so I just need to throw my mind into something productive, into drawing and brainstorming websites and being with people and going outside and NOT overthinking. It's practicing changing the channel from all this speculation and learning to accept this and manage this, and I have to do it because what I remember is that intense or exaggerated thoughts are unrealistic. Just live, and draw. For now, just do that, and don't think about anything else.